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Working My Way Back to Wonder

September 15, 2014

I have been pulling myself out of a dark place for the last two years which I fell into after the end of my marriage. I have been depressed and angry for much of that time and behind that there is a looming fear of never figuring out how to trust the handholds on the way up. I have been working so hard to find meaning and reconnect with the wonder that inspired me to start writing this blog. I want to experience everyday miracles and mysteries that make waking up in the morning the beginning of a new journey into the magical world. I am beginning to feel the light and color of adventure come back into my life. So I want to recommit this space to wonder and self-experiments and finding the miraculous in each moment. I do not mean this to be a place of ridiculous optimism where every cloud has a silver lining and lemons are all squeezed and sweetened. I think it is alright to have sour lemons and sometimes clouds are better when they are majestically dark and not lined with shiny metal. I just want to see the world as a place of possibilities again and not just some thing I have to slog through to get to something else I will most likely have to slog through. I am done slogging. I am now looking to renew my belief that life is a strange gift that gives strangely. I know that I can’t expect to receive anything but what I expect. So I will throw my doors wide and move out into this weird and baffling life and try to leave my fear at home. I know the price of living with hurt and fear too well. I will no longer feed them and maybe they will go live somewhere else.

I will be trying to write and create more often as my school and work schedule allows. I just have a more positive outlook when I am able to put some ideas out into the world. Here is what I wrote when I started my blog and I can’t think of how to improve on it as a mission statement. I got blown off course and now that the wind is dying down a bit, I’ll put out my sails and see where it will take me. If you want you can check on where this thing is going from time to time. I am aiming for some places that are not on the map which I misplaced a while ago.  Getting lost is the best way to get somewhere you haven’t been anyway, and I am so ready for that.

Chickens in the Yard

July 27, 2014


three chickens

 

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A New Quarter, A New Clinical and A Little Optimism

June 30, 2014

My week off from school is over, and my next clinical starts tomorrow. I will work 4 hour shifts in addition to 7 hours in my child care job which will be just down the hall. No commute which is nice. It will be my first experience treating truly ill and frail people. I am a bit nervous about that, but I will probably get used to it soon enough. 

I was looking through my journal from last year about this time and boy was I a mess, depressed with infected teeth and completely overwhelmed. Now school and work are still overwhelming at times, but I am not depressed which makes things so much easier. I have made it about three fourths of the way out of the pit I fell into when Mary decided not be with me anymore. I still feel a little awkward and lonely at times, but mostly just a little at loose ends whenever I have a chance to breathe a little. Mostly life is so busy it seems blurry and the next thing is on me faster than I am ready, so not much time for thinking too much about relationships anyway. 

I hope to write more this summer, but I will see how crazy this quarter will be soon enough. Maybe I am getting the hang of this thing. I’m not counting on that. I probably am just being optimistic. That is new at least.

Greetings from Inside

May 25, 2014

Hello Out There,

All of you, who are not in here with me,

I miss you so much.

I look forward to the time

When I am opened up

Like ripe fruit or

A flower spreading.

My pedals are still curled inward.

Someday soon folded wings will unfurl

Making space for you.

We must be patient with ourselves,

Forcing moments like these only

Ends up in regret for

Damage to delicate structures.

We are strong in moving slowly.

I am readying even now

When I look so closed.

Little adjustments Like waves

will move out to shatter the shell

Scattering crisp pedals like snow

Uncovering  me,

And I will finally be able to

See you.

White Elephant

April 7, 2014

After so many years,

You gave me back my Heart,

and I have no place to keep it.

What can I do with it?

Like hands when  public speaking,

how do I perform my daily tasks

with a nervous heart hanging around

awkwardly with no purpose.

I can’t ask just anyone to help me hold it,

when I am shifting my load or opening a heavy door.

I must set it down, and when I do,

it ends up getting cold and bruised.

Some day soon, I will set it  in the wrong place,

and someone not paying attention

will crush it as they pass with an innocent foot.

“What the hell,” that careless person will say.

“It’s not your fault,” I will say wiping

the foot with something handy laying about.

“I just can’t hold it all of the time. Sorry, about the mess.”

I hope whoever it is will understand.

Maybe before that happens I will find a warm

nest for my Heart to rest in.

My breath will come a little easier then.

Maybe I will build one.

I wonder if I could look that up

On Wikipedia or find one for not too much on Amazon.

Shine

March 9, 2014

In the backroom, through the trees

Light is falling from the sun

 Down the wind, clowns roll moaning

Manic roosters on the run

Madly Leaping, talons emblazoned

At their shadows, madly Crowing

growing larger in the lateness

soon to be winging on there way 

Can you ever be so sure?

No, my darling I am not the one

Who chases after sparkling droplets

flung out in waves through the darkness

to crash into our lonely stone.

I will not run through the orchard

beaming out my tangled plight

searching for the feathered fools

drowning in the pools of light.

 

  

Accidental and Planned Self-Reflections

March 3, 2014

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This one was accidental. I noticed the faint reflection in the glass of a framed print in the middle of a tableau of flowers and objects that I was photographing casually, which is how I do all of my photography, casually with intense focus and minimal technique. I never add light, usually not even flash, and then I play with it on the computer.

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021     This one I took a few days before. I accidentally used the flash but like the effect in the mirror.

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