This song played on the car radio in my dream. Willie Nelson was singing.The tune was similar to “Me and Bobby McGee”. I wanted to turn it up, but, you know how dreams work, you can never find the volume control or any control when you want it.
10 miles out of Abilene,
I stopped to look around
at the desert and the night.
I got up on the hood
and lay back to see the stars
spread out and shining bright.
All around the ground shone back.
I felt my edges fade away.
And I knew everything was going to be alright.
Where is my big lonely place
where all my problems seem so small?
Everything that went on before
doesn’t mean a damn
just pictures and sounds along the street.
When I drive away from here
more life is out ahead
But I’ll get there at my own chosen speed.
Willie would probably write it better, but it sounded good on the dream car radio.
My week off from school is over, and my next clinical starts tomorrow. I will work 4 hour shifts in addition to 7 hours in my child care job which will be just down the hall. No commute which is nice. It will be my first experience treating truly ill and frail people. I am a bit nervous about that, but I will probably get used to it soon enough.
I was looking through my journal from last year about this time and boy was I a mess, depressed with infected teeth and completely overwhelmed. Now school and work are still overwhelming at times, but I am not depressed which makes things so much easier. I have made it about three fourths of the way out of the pit I fell into when Mary decided not be with me anymore. I still feel a little awkward and lonely at times, but mostly just a little at loose ends whenever I have a chance to breathe a little. Mostly life is so busy it seems blurry and the next thing is on me faster than I am ready, so not much time for thinking too much about relationships anyway.
I hope to write more this summer, but I will see how crazy this quarter will be soon enough. Maybe I am getting the hang of this thing. I’m not counting on that. I probably am just being optimistic. That is new at least.
Hello Out There,
All of you, who are not in here with me,
I miss you so much.
I look forward to the time
When I am opened up
Like ripe fruit or
A flower spreading.
My pedals are still curled inward.
Someday soon folded wings will unfurl
Making space for you.
We must be patient with ourselves,
Forcing moments like these only
Ends up in regret for
Damage to delicate structures.
We are strong in moving slowly.
I am readying even now
When I look so closed.
Little adjustments Like waves
will move out to shatter the shell
Scattering crisp pedals like snow
And I will finally be able to
After so many years,
You gave me back my Heart,
and I have no place to keep it.
What can I do with it?
Like hands when public speaking,
how do I perform my daily tasks
with a nervous heart hanging around
awkwardly with no purpose.
I can’t ask just anyone to help me hold it,
when I am shifting my load or opening a heavy door.
I must set it down, and when I do,
it ends up getting cold and bruised.
Some day soon, I will set it in the wrong place,
and someone not paying attention
will crush it as they pass with an innocent foot.
“What the hell,” that careless person will say.
“It’s not your fault,” I will say wiping
the foot with something handy laying about.
“I just can’t hold it all of the time. Sorry, about the mess.”
I hope whoever it is will understand.
Maybe before that happens I will find a warm
nest for my Heart to rest in.
My breath will come a little easier then.
Maybe I will build one.
I wonder if I could look that up
On Wikipedia or find one for not too much on Amazon.