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Chickens in the Yard

July 27, 2014


three chickens

 

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chickens 2

A New Quarter, A New Clinical and A Little Optimism

June 30, 2014

My week off from school is over, and my next clinical starts tomorrow. I will work 4 hour shifts in addition to 7 hours in my child care job which will be just down the hall. No commute which is nice. It will be my first experience treating truly ill and frail people. I am a bit nervous about that, but I will probably get used to it soon enough. 

I was looking through my journal from last year about this time and boy was I a mess, depressed with infected teeth and completely overwhelmed. Now school and work are still overwhelming at times, but I am not depressed which makes things so much easier. I have made it about three fourths of the way out of the pit I fell into when Mary decided not be with me anymore. I still feel a little awkward and lonely at times, but mostly just a little at loose ends whenever I have a chance to breathe a little. Mostly life is so busy it seems blurry and the next thing is on me faster than I am ready, so not much time for thinking too much about relationships anyway. 

I hope to write more this summer, but I will see how crazy this quarter will be soon enough. Maybe I am getting the hang of this thing. I’m not counting on that. I probably am just being optimistic. That is new at least.

Greetings from Inside

May 25, 2014

Hello Out There,

All of you, who are not in here with me,

I miss you so much.

I look forward to the time

When I am opened up

Like ripe fruit or

A flower spreading.

My pedals are still curled inward.

Someday soon folded wings will unfurl

Making space for you.

We must be patient with ourselves,

Forcing moments like these only

Ends up in regret for

Damage to delicate structures.

We are strong in moving slowly.

I am readying even now

When I look so closed.

Little adjustments Like waves

will move out to shatter the shell

Scattering crisp pedals like snow

Uncovering  me,

And I will finally be able to

See you.

White Elephant

April 7, 2014

After so many years,

You gave me back my Heart,

and I have no place to keep it.

What can I do with it?

Like hands when  public speaking,

how do I perform my daily tasks

with a nervous heart hanging around

awkwardly with no purpose.

I can’t ask just anyone to help me hold it,

when I am shifting my load or opening a heavy door.

I must set it down, and when I do,

it ends up getting cold and bruised.

Some day soon, I will set it  in the wrong place,

and someone not paying attention

will crush it as they pass with an innocent foot.

“What the hell,” that careless person will say.

“It’s not your fault,” I will say wiping

the foot with something handy laying about.

“I just can’t hold it all of the time. Sorry, about the mess.”

I hope whoever it is will understand.

Maybe before that happens I will find a warm

nest for my Heart to rest in.

My breath will come a little easier then.

Maybe I will build one.

I wonder if I could look that up

On Wikipedia or find one for not too much on Amazon.

Shine

March 9, 2014

In the backroom, through the trees

Light is falling from the sun

 Down the wind, clowns roll moaning

Manic roosters on the run

Madly Leaping, talons emblazoned

At their shadows, madly Crowing

growing larger in the lateness

soon to be winging on there way 

Can you ever be so sure?

No, my darling I am not the one

Who chases after sparkling droplets

flung out in waves through the darkness

to crash into our lonely stone.

I will not run through the orchard

beaming out my tangled plight

searching for the feathered fools

drowning in the pools of light.

 

  

Accidental and Planned Self-Reflections

March 3, 2014

027

This one was accidental. I noticed the faint reflection in the glass of a framed print in the middle of a tableau of flowers and objects that I was photographing casually, which is how I do all of my photography, casually with intense focus and minimal technique. I never add light, usually not even flash, and then I play with it on the computer.

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022

021     This one I took a few days before. I accidentally used the flash but like the effect in the mirror.

Personal Event Horizon

February 18, 2014

I came here to tell you

that I have no comments prepared

on the new direction my case has taken

 at the present moment.

I stand mute

With my empty dialogue bubble

And stare vacuously into inchoate

mass of unrelenting ambiguous static

That are my thoughts at this time.

I have reached a level of blankness that leaves me

Unable to react or respond to events that are

Even now unfolding in my vicinity.
I am here merely to observe and

Patiently await the next occurrence. 

My eyes are open, my ears hear.

I smell, taste, and feel

Whatever comes into the field of my senses is recorded.

I, however, cannot provide feedback, guidance or  context

For the mess of swirling color, sound,

somatosensory and kinesthetic input

That assaults my being.

 like a black hole, I absorb all stimuli

That stray into the range of my senses, storing

Vast masses of information

reflected into me from an undisclosed location

condensing and pressurizing

all into a density, so compacted,

that it can no longer hold its form

releasing a universe

Of mind into the infinite

vacuum of my life.

Stay tuned for further developments.

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