My week off from school is over, and my next clinical starts tomorrow. I will work 4 hour shifts in addition to 7 hours in my child care job which will be just down the hall. No commute which is nice. It will be my first experience treating truly ill and frail people. I am a bit nervous about that, but I will probably get used to it soon enough.
I was looking through my journal from last year about this time and boy was I a mess, depressed with infected teeth and completely overwhelmed. Now school and work are still overwhelming at times, but I am not depressed which makes things so much easier. I have made it about three fourths of the way out of the pit I fell into when Mary decided not be with me anymore. I still feel a little awkward and lonely at times, but mostly just a little at loose ends whenever I have a chance to breathe a little. Mostly life is so busy it seems blurry and the next thing is on me faster than I am ready, so not much time for thinking too much about relationships anyway.
I hope to write more this summer, but I will see how crazy this quarter will be soon enough. Maybe I am getting the hang of this thing. I’m not counting on that. I probably am just being optimistic. That is new at least.
Hello Out There,
All of you, who are not in here with me,
I miss you so much.
I look forward to the time
When I am opened up
Like ripe fruit or
A flower spreading.
My pedals are still curled inward.
Someday soon folded wings will unfurl
Making space for you.
We must be patient with ourselves,
Forcing moments like these only
Ends up in regret for
Damage to delicate structures.
We are strong in moving slowly.
I am readying even now
When I look so closed.
Little adjustments Like waves
will move out to shatter the shell
Scattering crisp pedals like snow
And I will finally be able to
After so many years,
You gave me back my Heart,
and I have no place to keep it.
What can I do with it?
Like hands when public speaking,
how do I perform my daily tasks
with a nervous heart hanging around
awkwardly with no purpose.
I can’t ask just anyone to help me hold it,
when I am shifting my load or opening a heavy door.
I must set it down, and when I do,
it ends up getting cold and bruised.
Some day soon, I will set it in the wrong place,
and someone not paying attention
will crush it as they pass with an innocent foot.
“What the hell,” that careless person will say.
“It’s not your fault,” I will say wiping
the foot with something handy laying about.
“I just can’t hold it all of the time. Sorry, about the mess.”
I hope whoever it is will understand.
Maybe before that happens I will find a warm
nest for my Heart to rest in.
My breath will come a little easier then.
Maybe I will build one.
I wonder if I could look that up
On Wikipedia or find one for not too much on Amazon.
I came here to tell you
that I have no comments prepared
on the new direction my case has taken
at the present moment.
I stand mute
With my empty dialogue bubble
And stare vacuously into inchoate
mass of unrelenting ambiguous static
That are my thoughts at this time.
I have reached a level of blankness that leaves me
Unable to react or respond to events that are
Even now unfolding in my vicinity.
I am here merely to observe and
Patiently await the next occurrence.
My eyes are open, my ears hear.
I smell, taste, and feel
Whatever comes into the field of my senses is recorded.
I, however, cannot provide feedback, guidance or context
For the mess of swirling color, sound,
somatosensory and kinesthetic input
That assaults my being.
like a black hole, I absorb all stimuli
That stray into the range of my senses, storing
Vast masses of information
reflected into me from an undisclosed location
condensing and pressurizing
all into a density, so compacted,
that it can no longer hold its form
releasing a universe
Of mind into the infinite
vacuum of my life.
Stay tuned for further developments.